Internet dating
Pulling back the veil on Love? Maybe. In the end, I think compatibility is so extremely fragile that tests like these will always be a poor barometer for it. People who meet online either click or they don't, and the reasons for success/failure probably have nothing to do with a computerized, algorithmic compatibility. Maybe two people, brought together on eHarmony.com, have a blast together, but fail to endure because they don't like each others' friends. Maybe two different people actually have very little in common--save, perhaps, for a desire to be in a relationship--but stay together a long time and silently agree to overlook fundamental incompatibilities. A sampling bias.
Either way, this says nothing about whether human chemistry can be distilled down to a multiple choice exam. My hypothesis: in 2018, married couples that met via algorithm in 2008 will on average attribute their success to metrics that their compatibility tests didn't predict.
And with that, here are my own thoughts on Internet dating:
- Looked at rationally, it's a perfectly normal way to increase one's number of potentially viable romantic connections.
- I do not look at this rationally.
- As such, my aversion to Internet dating has less to do with statistics and much more to do with an ego-driven sense that turning to Match.com (or whatever) would constitute an implicit admission that I've failed in real life.
- Nonetheless, I think my generation (and the next) will be the ones that make this all extremely normal. By which I mean going on an Internet date will, in a few years, be as normal (and easy to admit) a way to spend a Saturday night as going to a bar or to a party is today.
Comments
There's more, much more, to internet dating than algorhythm-based matching services.
Just consider:
- yahoo and msn chat rooms
- two-way webcam rooms in dozens of places (including the above)
- craig's list (hookups!)
- local news organization 'personal' postings
- hundreds of sex-oriented sites with profiles and opportunities for 'contact'.
When you really think about the traditional ways of meeting someone (bars, dance clubs, local interest-based groups, music concerts/band venues, etc.) your range of reach is really quite limited - often to only a couple hundred people. The internet has reach, at the initial downside of no face/face quicky assessment interaction - but with webcams, mics, and chat opportunities (including multiple interaction possibilities over time via 'friends' lists) the number of people to interact with becomes huge. And, it can occur on weeknights, lunch hour, or over breakfast - not just on going-out nights (thurs, fri, sat.).
This really isn't a personality failure, but just a new way of sifting a pool of people until something clicks. It certainly is better in many ways than traditional hang-out-with-friends-somewhere pickup cruising - which are often foiled by the presence of people you know and who you don't want them to see you publicly crash and burn.
Millions of people can't be wrong, right?
My mind is with you... but my fragile ego?
It's great, and you should really try it. My sister and brother-in-law met online dating, and I met my fiance (and the vast majority of my dates/relationships for a few years) doing the same thing.
You're thinking of it as a personal ad. Don't. The whole 'online community' aspect makes it more like a big party. You chat a person up, if there's no connection, you move on. And no one minds. And on the plus side, there's no awkwardness about whether or not the person you're talking to is single. I had the same ego problem when I first started it, waaay back when all the sites were still free. I got over that quick -- it was a ton of fun and infinitely more relaxing than a hoping to run into someone single and interesting at a bar.
One rule I found handy: Three e-mail limit, then go meet for coffee. Don't spin out the online aspect. People are different when you're face to face. Oh, and get a short membership, so you can try a different site in a few months if you don't like the one you're on.
going on an Internet date will, in a few years, be as normal (and easy to admit) a way to spend a Saturday night as going to a bar or to a party is today.
I wouldn't say we're quite there yet, but at least in my circle of friends & acquaintances (mostly late-twenty-somethings in Chicago and elsewhere) it's pretty close already. As tmv hinted at above, the big change was when sites like OKCupid (or even MySpace) came around that, unlike, say, Match.com, aren't just electronic personal ads, but online communities, with social networking systems.
I am still working on my opinion about internet dating. I know people who have used it and are now married, and appear happy. Conversely, I have met people who are still looking and they started with the L.A. Times singles adds back in the 70's, and have now moved on to the internet. I started checking into it when I became single last year, and have met some very nice people. But I have also met some very strange, bizarre, unusual creatures...is that why they must use internet instead of meeting local singles, or get matched to a blind date by a friend? I really don't know the answer. But I do know that the heart is a fickle thing, and one must protect it like a cherished jewel. If a person is looking for love, if they are in need, desperate, than they may be subject to lots of let downs going the internet way. However, if one is emotionally healthy, self assured, and able to sort through alot of wierd people before deciding to go on an internet date, than maybe it's ok. Use caution, be safe, take your time. I guess that is true for any dating, right?
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